


Back to Black and Back Again

by missindependent4



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-23 17:59:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4886323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missindependent4/pseuds/missindependent4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco reverts back to his old ways when Harry leaves, but will he take Harry back when he needs him most?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> The characters belong to J.K. Rowling.

_You went back to what you knew_

_So far removed from all that we went through_

_And I tread a troubled track_

_My odds are stacked_ _I'll go back to black_

_We only said good-bye with words_

_I died a hundred times_

_You go back to her_

_And I go back to..._

\- Back to Black by Amy Winehouse

* * *

 

He thought he would have been safe in the muggle world. After what happened he sure as hell didn't want to step one foot in Diagon Alley and risk seeing _him_ with _her_. Pansy told him he couldn't avoid the wizarding world forever and it wasn't a guarantee that Draco wouldn't see _him_ in the muggle world since he did live in a muggle neighborhood, even if it was Grimmauld Place. Draco had made sure to avoid that area and all the old haunts they used to go to together. His mother tried to convince him to move back in to the Manor and Draco declined every time she asked. He couldn't tell her or anybody else that there was no way he could part with what had been _their_ flat even though it was making Draco more depressed with each passing day, surrounded by things that had been theirs. He had the feeling that his mother knew why he refused to move back home and his response was always followed by tight lips and a worried frown. He also knew she worried he would go back to his old ways.

Draco had chosen this particular supermarket because it was new and Draco, trying to convince himself that he was moving forward even if it was by going to only a new supermarket and in the muggle world no less, thought that there was no way he would see anybody he knew there. It had only been two months and Draco had seen him once in Diagon Alley, walking alone, and he had avoided Diagon Alley and much of the wizarding world since then.

He pushed the grocery cart slowly as he walked up the aisle. It was the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday so there were very few people there, despite it being a relatively new store. Soft music that was playing the supermarket's jingle could be heard in the background and the _beep_ of the cashier ringing up other customers' goods floated towards him. When Draco turned his cart, heading towards the produce section, he saw them.

They were both pushing the cart and her head was thrown back in laughter as if he had just told her something quite funny, perhaps about peaches of all the ridiculous things in the world. Draco could only see the back of him until she turned, reaching for a plastic bag and turning her head to say something to him. The man turned towards her and shrugged.

As soon as he saw who it was, even if it was the back of him for he could never mistake his unruly black hair or her long red hair, he had frozen, gripping the handle of the cart so tightly his knuckles turned white.

"Dearie?" Draco only slightly registered the voice as an elderly lady with curly gray hair and glasses that had a string of beads around its frame spoke. It was only when she lightly touched his arm did he jerk and turn towards her. "Are you alright?"

"I-," he began, but there were no words as Draco continued to watch them, not questioning until later what exactly they were doing there, in a muggle grocery store not close to Grimmuald Place.

The lady continued to look at Draco with a concerned expression, but Draco did the only thing he could think of. He fled.

 

* * *

 

After the war Draco had expected his life to change for the better. He knew it wouldn't exactly be easy, but he thought things would eventually have looked up. Draco himself was let off with community service; his mother was placed under house arrest for six months and had five years probation while his father was sentenced to ten years in Azkaban. There weren't dementors anymore, thankfully, but it was only three months after his father's imprisonment that they received an owl saying that Lucius Malfoy had died in prison due to unknown causes. His mother suspected suicide and, all things considering, had taken it much better than Draco did. Draco suspected that it was this event that caused his downward spiral.

Things had been hard enough seeing as he had to complete his community service at the Ministry where he was required to help clean. Draco despised it, feeling himself equal to a house elf, as people sneered, spat, and said degrading things towards him. When his father died he began to drink heavily, taking to the bottle after every shift at the Ministry was over. He had still been living at the Manor at the time and he had constantly brewed a sobriety potion that he took the very next morning so his mother had no suspicion. It was only after nearly a year had passed and Draco became immune to the effects that his mother had started to notice.

"Have you been drinking, Draco?" he recalled her asking one morning at breakfast. "You smell of firewhiskey and your eyes are bloodshot." Draco had said nothing and she clucked her tongue at him. "You know I disapprove of such behavior, but if you insist on indulging every once in a while then at least have the propriety of taking a sobriety potion."

He didn't bother telling his mother that the potion didn't work anymore and it was only after one particularly harsh day at the Ministry, where Weasley had spat, belittled, and laughed in his face, had pushed him over the edge. Draco never thought it was possible to consume a bottle and a half of firewhiskey in less than two hours, but it was. He hoped the alcohol was poisoning his bloodstream as he blacked out in his sitting room that evening.

When he woke next he found himself in St. Mungo's and his mother crying over him. She told him that when he hadn't come to breakfast the next morning she had a house elf check up on him and it was then that they discovered Draco. It had shocked him when the healer came in and that he was accompanied by Potter who was wearing the lilac robes of trainee healers.

"Mr. Malfoy!" exclaimed the older wizard, peering over his glasses while flipping through papers in his hands. "I'm glad to see you're awake! You've caused your mother quite the scare." Draco barely registered the words since he kept staring at Potter who would look at Draco, avert his eyes, and then look back. It was only when his mother gripped his hand painfully that he registered what the healer was saying.

"You're lucky you were found when you had been Mr. Malfoy. That much alcohol should never be ingested in your system. It's all out now, but we're concerned." The healer pulled up a rolling stool and sat down on it next to Draco's bed. Potter kept standing and he looked considerably more uncomfortable as if he knew what the healer was going to tell Draco would be unpleasant. "When we ran tests on you it came to our attention that your body is immune to the ingredients of what is a sobriety potion. This leads me to believe that you have an alcohol addiction problem."

"Oh, Draco," he heard his mother cry and she gave a sob. Draco's only response was to blink and the mediwizard gazed at Draco with a serious and concerned expression.

"Mr. Malfoy, Draco, we think it would be best if you entered a rehabilitation center. St. Mungo's has a wonderful rehabilitation affiliate not far from here. The program is ninety days and you'll be in a small group with only six other people. The doctors and specialists are certified from St. Mungo's. We think it's best if you start as soon as possible."

Draco said nothing, the words not seeming to register, as he looked back and forth between the healer and Potter. Rehab? They wanted him to go to rehab for an alcohol problem?

"Mrs. Malfoy," said the healer after Draco said nothing. "Your son is very sick. Our tests show that he's had this problem for over six months, but in all reality it could be much longer than that. Only Draco can answer that question. Perhaps you and Draco would like the chance to speak since this seems to have come as a shock to you." The healer rose and stepped back before motioning towards Harry. "Mr. Potter here is my trainee. He'll be back shortly to check up on Draco and I'll come back later to discuss future plans."

For the first time since Draco saw Potter enter the room said man looked up and into Draco's eyes, their gazes holding each other's briefly until Draco broke it, turning his head away from his mother who was crying softly.

* * *

 

Draco had been in rehab for approximately one week before he received the first letter from Potter. He wasn't exactly sure what to expect: a letter laughing at how far Draco Malfoy had fallen and deserved what he got or one where Saint Potter was trying to save him. It was more of the latter, but not quite so. Potter hadn't mentioned any saving, but it wasn't until much later that Draco realized Potter _had_ saved him. Then at least.

The letter was rather short, explaining that he had been in the Substance Abuse Department's rotation for several months at that point and he was glad that Draco made the decision to go to rehab. He knew that rehab, and in particular the facility that Draco was at, allowed no visitations and the only form of contact was through owl, and that it could be quite lonely. Perhaps they could start over and begin a correspondence with one another? Draco had written back quickly, telling Potter to fuck off and go save someone worth saving. He didn't want to be saved, obviously, since he had practically poisoned himself with too much alcohol. Potter replied that very same day that if he hadn't wanted to save himself then he wouldn't be in rehab. Draco knew the git had a point, but he refused to write back until one day in group they were required to write to someone who they had wronged in the past as part of their 'Steps Program to Recovery'. He had a whole list of those, but since Potter had already contacted him he figured it was an easy way out so he wrote back, apologizing for his past misdeeds, in particular what had occurred in their sixth year. He also thanked him for saving his life in the Room of Requirement. Potter easily accepted his apology, making his own apologies for his past behavior towards Draco and thanking Draco and his mother for saving his life in the Manor.

From there one could say it was history, but it wasn't. Draco and Potter had kept up a correspondence throughout his rehab and when it was Draco's 'graduation ceremony' – a ceremony where the family members of those who were leaving rehab were invited to celebrate the overcoming of the main hurdle of their loved one's addiction – he had invited Potter, who had somewhere along the line become Harry. He honestly didn't think the other man would show up, but when he saw the tall, messy hair and green eyed man in fitted trousers and a sports coat sitting next to his mother in the white chairs on the green lawn, he couldn't help but smile at said man. Harry smiled encouragingly back and when the ceremony was over Draco found himself being hugged tightly by his mother.

"Oh, darling I'm so proud of you!" she said, pulling back from Draco and wiping her eyes. Draco was surprised she said nothing about Harry and in fact they actually seemed to get on quite well.

"Thank you mother. As you know it's been extremely difficult, but I'm proud of myself too." He turned towards Harry, shoving his hands in his pockets, a trait he once attributed to the gawky boy that Potter had been. He wondered when he became so Gryffindor and not in the brave sort of way. "Harry, thanks for coming. You really didn't have to. I know you're busy finishing healer training."

"Of course I would come. I wouldn't miss it for the world." Draco felt himself blush, actually _blush_ , and his mother linked her arm through his as they all chatted for a few minutes.

"I was wondering if you would like to get coffee sometime," Harry asked as people began to leave.

"Yes, that would be wonderful. Tomorrow?" said Draco. Harry grinned at him and said he would owl Draco with the location and for once he felt as if things were finally getting better.

 

* * *

 

Draco would meet Harry twice a week at the same café at the same time where they would get together and talk about Harry's final days as a trainee before he took the healer exam, Quidditch, and other various topics, until Harry invited him to a Magpies game for the upcoming weekend. From that point on they would meet outside of the café, Harry sometimes inviting him over to Grimmuald Place where they would cook dinner and Draco would trounce the other man in wizarding's chess while he was beaten soundly in Exploding Snap. It was after one of these dinners when they were sitting on the couch next to each other that Harry kissed him. After that the two were inseparable and six months later they purchased a flat together.

It had been two and a half wonderful years since then. Harry had always been supportive of Draco, never once drinking even when he went out to the pub with his friends. Harry refused to allow alcohol in their flat including parties and get togethers they had.

Until that fateful day. The Weasleys had always been a source of argument for them, especially Ginny Weasley or Weaselette as Draco still liked to refer to her. She still had her eye on Harry, unabashedly flirting with the man in front of Draco and Harry always denied that she was still fawning over him. Draco knew that Harry considered the Weasleys family and when Draco came home one day, he found Harry sitting at the kitchen table, head bent over his arms.

"Harry, love?" Harry looked up from his folded hands, and Draco immediately knew something was amiss. He initially panicked and thought someone had died, but to Draco what was said next was so much worse.

"Draco, I – I can't be with you anymore."

The blood had rushed to his ears and he felt faint. His hand reached out for the wall, where he leaned against it.

"Why?" Draco had asked and there was no response. He begged and pleaded, things a Malfoy should never do, but Harry only shook his head and apparated away, a faint 'good-bye' the last thing he had heard.

At first Draco was furious. He owled, he sent howlers, he tried to even talk to Granger, but it was no use. He only wanted to know why, but he never received an answer. It was Pansy who told him that Harry had gotten back with the Weaselette for she had spotted them together in Diagon Alley and later confronted Granger about it.

When Narcissa found out Draco knew she was more worried about whether or not Draco would relapse. It had been hard and many times he thought about drinking again. He even went so far as to go to a muggle liquor store and buy a cheap bottle of vodka, but he had smashed the bottle and broken down in sobs instead.

But now, actually seeing Harry with the Weaselette, it was so much worse. Draco had resisted in the two months since Harry had abruptly left, but seeing the two together pushed Draco too far. As soon as he left the grocery store he went to the nearest liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka. When he arrived back to his flat, his flat that he and Harry had shared together, he took the bottle out of the paper bag and set it on the island in the middle of the kitchen, just staring at it for several minutes. With shaky hands he reached for the bottle, tearing the cap off and pausing once more. He knew he shouldn't do this. He shouldn't drink because he had come so far and it had been three years, but when he thought about Harry and how he could do this to him, to go back to that redheaded bitch…

Draco clutched the bottle and raised it to his mouth, the liquid burning his throat and setting it on fire, just like his heart.

* * *

 

Over the next month Draco had somehow miraculously been able to avoid his mother, making sure to send reassuring owls so she wouldn't worry. He even went so far to tell her he was taking a short holiday to the coast, but his holiday consisted of him staying in his flat for a full week drinking vodka and rum. He also managed to avoid Pansy, although that was slightly easier seeing as the other girl actually had a life, something Draco did not. Only when Pansy owled and threatened that if Draco didn't come to dinner with her the following evening then she would come over to Draco's flat herself and drag him out, which was just not on, did he agree. Bottles were haphazardly discarded all throughout the flat and he didn't have an ounce of energy or the soberness to even attempt to try and clean even though the dinner wasn't until the next evening.

The following day he tried to not drink, not wanting Pansy to suspect that he had relapsed. The other Slytherin had been under house arrest the first two years after the war and it wasn't until after Draco had went to rehab and gotten together with Harry that she had found out about his problem.

He had stared at the half full bottle of rum that was sitting next to the kitchen sink and he constantly clenched and unclenched shaky hands, trying to resist. It was only ten a.m. when he caved in and had his first of four drinks before dinner.

Draco spotted Pansy already sitting at a table when he entered the restaurant. He smoothed his shirt down, his hands still shaking, in an attempt to try and at least appear sober, and he hoped Pansy wouldn't notice.

As Draco approached he immediately saw the girl looking him up and down with narrowed eyes and lips pursed.

Before he even sat down she said, "I would compliment you on your attire, but something's off. What's wrong?"

Draco sat down and immediately motioned over the waiter, hoping that a glass of water would sober him up somewhat.

"Nothing," he lied smoothly. Draco found it so easy to slip back to his alcoholic ways, the speech not slurred even after drinking a third of the bottle and lying easily, although that had always been a Slytherin trait. It was as if he never even went to rehab and this fact alone scared Draco more than he wanted to admit to himself.

"Don't lie to me, Draco. I'm a Slytherin too, remember?" Draco merely raised an eyebrow and picked up the menu. Pansy huffed and took a sip of her water, still eyeing Draco. It wasn't until after they ordered that her eyes widened and she seemed to pale.

"Whatever is the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost," he remarked. He turned to look around, inwardly panicking that she had seen Harry enter the restaurant. If that was true, then damn the fates, although it appeared they had it out for Draco anyway.

With a sigh of relief at not seeing Harry he turned back to Pansy.

"You're drunk!" she hissed at him. "How I couldn't notice it before I have no idea, but I imagine it's the amount of cologne you've doused yourself in trying to cover up the smell. Draco, how could you?" Her tone wasn't accusatory, but rather as if she was the hurt one in the situation.

Draco looked down at the napkin in his lap before looking up again at Pansy with pained eyes.

"I didn't mean to Pans," he said quietly, the hurt evident in his voice. Pansy leaned closer towards him and when she saw the waiter approaching she glared at him, causing him to scamper off quickly. "I had been doing so well up til then. I know what everyone thought, well you and my mother at least. That I would relapse immediately after Harry left. I won't lie and say that I didn't think about it or that I didn't even buy a bottle of liquor." At this Pansy murmured 'Oh, Draco,' but he continued. "I went to the supermarket the other day. A new one that isn't even close to Grimmuald Place and I saw them there. It was the first time I had seen them together since."

There was no need to say who he was referring to for they both knew. Pansy reached out and placed her hand on the table and when Draco took it she squeezed it, not letting go.

"How long have you been drinking again?"

"A month." Pansy sighed again and Draco pulled away slightly, but she kept a tight grip. "I don't want you to tell my mother. She doesn't need to be worrying about me."

"Draco, you know you can't keep this from her. It's been going on long enough! You have to get help again."

Draco shook his head and this time he pulled away forcefully, jerking Pansy and his hands away from one another. "No – I – I just need to go cold."

Denial. Draco knew from rehab it was what all true addicts did. The first time Draco knew he had a problem so he never went through the denial process and his transition into rehab went much smoother than others' had been.

"Draco," began Pansy, but he cut her off.

"Listen, Pans. I promise I'll stop. Lord knows I need to get over him since he's obviously over me," he lied. Pansy raised an eyebrow and sat back in her chair, appearing thoroughly unconvinced, but luckily for Draco she said nothing more on the subject.

* * *

 

He knew telling Pansy was a mistake, but at the time he had been caught. He regretted it the minute he told the former Slytherin and to make up for it he went home and finished off a bottle. It only became worse when three days later Pansy showed up unexpectedly at Draco's flat. The blonde was hungover, his eyes were red, he had a pounding headache, and things were a little off kilter still.

"Good Lord, Draco!" exclaimed Pansy as she walked around Draco's flat. Bottles were littered all over the place and Pansy bent over one, wrinkling her nose as the dust floated up from it.

"Why didn't you tell me it was this bad? I swear there're at least forty bottles here." Pansy placed her hands on her hips as Draco just stood there and stared at her unblinkingly. She sighed and accioed a garbage bag, beginning to place the empty liquor bottles in it.

Draco walked slowly to the sofa and sat down on it, thankful when Pansy said nothing about not bothering to help her clean up his own flat. When the flat was empty of all bottles – including bottles that still had alcohol in them, much to Draco's distress although he voiced none of it – she handed him a glass of water and sat down next to him. Draco murmured thanks as he gratefully took a drink.

"Come stay with me, Draco. You can't stay here especially since you've started drinking again. Honestly I think we should tell your mother since I know she'd make you go back." There was no need to say where she was referring to since they both knew.

"I can't, Pans."

"For fuck's sake Draco! I know you don't want to leave because this was your flat with him, but look what's done to you! You've relapsed and it's _his_ fault. Don't even try denying it!"

His mouth had opened to protest against what she said, but he knew it was no use.

"No, Pansy. I won't."

She stood up and huffed, muttering under her breath something along the lines of "hex him til Sunday" and "he'll have no balls".

"I'm coming back tomorrow then," she announced. "I better not find any alcohol here," and with that the brunette apparated out of the flat.

Draco sighed, not even having the energy to move from the sofa. He felt his eyelids flutter shut and he was just drifting off when there was a tap of what could only be an owl at his window. Draco groaned, partially because he didn't want to move and also because he hoped it wasn't his mother. When the tapping continued he reluctantly went to the window where the bird extended its leg, the _Daily Prophet_ distinctly attached to it.

As soon as Harry had left Draco cancelled their subscription to the _Prophet_. He didn't want to risk seeing anything printed about Harry and the Weaselette and if anything was ever mentioned about the two in it neither Pansy nor his mother had said anything to him.

Draco frowned, wondering why he was being sent the newspaper until he unfolded it and saw a beaming picture of Ginny Weasley on the front page, her left hand held out flashing a huge diamond ring. He immediately sank to the floor and skimmed over the article, his mind only catching the important parts such as 'The Savior and his former Hogwarts Sweetheart, Ginny Weasley were engaged', a 'joyous occasion', and 'the most anticipated wedding of the century'.

The paper dropped from his hand and he could only stare as his thoughts whirled wondering how his life had come to this. He thought things had been bad after his father's death, but _this_ , this was so much worse.

When Draco returned with two bottles of vodka, he knew what he was doing. The first time he had no intention of actually trying to kill himself. This time he knew what would happen and he readily accepted the pending numbness. He wouldn't take chances this time and before he opened the first bottle he warded his flat with the strongest spells he knew.

He downed half of the first bottle within minutes and as he tore off the cap of the second bottle he wondered if life after death got any better.


	2. Part Two

Draco's eyelids felt heavy, as if he was either seriously hungover or there was some sort of heavy drugs running through his system. When he opened them things were hazy and for a moment he thought perhaps he was dead since he was surrounded by white. Then things began to focus and he realized he was once again in the hospital and what had to be St. Mungo's. He could hear shouting, Pansy's voice screaming at someone.

"You have no right to see him you utter bastard! This is _your_ fault anyway!"

"If you don't move out of my way right now Parkinson I won't be held accountable for what I do."

"Are you threatening me?" she shrieked.

"Harry, why don't we come back?" a softer voice asked, but Draco still heard it.

"No, Hermione. I have to see him. Now move out of my way, Parkinson!"

His eyelids felt too heavy and he was too far gone to even realize that Harry was right outside of his room, but then all he heard was silence.

"Shh, darling," was whispered into his ear. The last thing he saw before falling asleep was his mother brushing back his hair. "Sleep."

* * *

 

The next time Draco awoke he was more aware and noted that, unlike before, it was silent. His mother was sitting next to him in a chair reading a book, but when she saw him shift in his bed she immediately put it down.

"Darling!" she exclaimed, standing up and grasping his hand. There was a soft beeping noise and he knew that the healers must have been alerted that he was awake.

"I – I thought I heard Harry here," he said slowly, his voice feeling dry and raspy.

His mother's face darkened and her grip on his hand tightened.

"Don't you worry about that right now."

Draco had wanted to ask more questions, but the healer, the very same one from the first time he was here, entered.

"Mr. Malfoy. I am sad to say that we meet again. I hoped to not see you again under these conditions. Your doctor at the rehabilitation facility said you had done wonderfully there and had high hopes that you wouldn't relapse."

The blonde was thankful when the mediwizard didn't ask what had caused him to relapse, although as he now remembered Pansy and what he knew for sure to be Harry's shouting match and he had no doubt that the healer knew why.

"From what I know your relapse has been relatively recent and you had even more alcohol in your system than the first time you came in." The healer shut his folder and crossed his legs, looking Draco directly in the eye.

"I am going to be blunt, Draco and I would like it if you answered me honestly. I know the first time was an accident, but you knew this time what imbibing this much alcohol would do to you. Did you try and commit suicide?"

Draco looked away from the healer's gaze and down at the sheets. The room was silent until the healer spoke.

"If it would be easier to discuss this alone, Draco…"

"No," he said, looking up and avoiding his mother's teary gaze. "Yes. I knew what I was doing."

Nacissa began to cry and the healer began to speak once more, addressing both Draco and his mother. Draco wondered how on earth he did survive and was only half listening to the healer. He heard things such as "back to rehab" and "therapy for his mental state", but Draco felt removed from the situation. He could only ask why he was still here and why the fates decided to punish him once again.

 

* * *

 

 It was Pansy who told him what had happened. She had come over the next morning, finding herself not able to floo, apparate, or enter by any other means. She had apparated to Granger's place since the two had become friendly ever since Pansy had been let go after her house arrest and worked at the bookstore Granger had frequented. That job had only lasted five months, but the two women had stayed friends.

Pansy had told Granger that Draco had relapsed after seeing Harry and the Weaselette together. Granger apparated back over outside of Draco's flat with Pansy and when she couldn't break through the wards either she asked Pansy if she had seen that day's article in the _Prophet_. Pansy said no and Granger explained to the other girl what was printed and Pansy knew that whatever Draco had done was serious. When Granger told Pansy that she was going to get Harry to break through the wards because he was the only one she knew who could take down wards that strong, Pansy almost refused, but decided she would deal with Potter later. Draco had been found lying unconscious on his sofa and to anyone who hadn't known he had a drinking problem it would have appeared that he was sleeping. He only had a faint pulse and was quickly rushed to St. Mungo's. Apparently Harry had demanded to see him once the blonde had been in stable condition and Pansy, Draco's brave heroine, told him that if he took one stop towards the door she would hex his dick off. Draco had no doubt she would have done this, but thankfully his mother intervened and asked everyone – Pansy included – to leave. She informed them that they could return the next day.

"Granger did tell me one thing though," Pansy said, trying to sound casual, but not succeeding. "And Potter confirmed it after I confronted him. He and the ginger she-weasel aren't engaged. Apparently she went out and bought a ring herself then went to the _Prophet_ and told them they were engaged. I always knew she was crazy."

Draco only nodded his head in agreement, but he said nothing. Inside he was relieved that the two weren't engaged, but it still didn't explain why Harry had left him for her.

"Granger also told me that Potter promptly broke up with her after he saw the paper."

"You and Granger seem awfully cozy, don't you think?" snapped Draco. He knew Pansy was just trying to make things better for him and he was glad that Harry and Ginny weren't together, but it was still too painful of a betrayal to talk about.

"You should be thanking me that I am or I wouldn't get all these delicious details."

Draco ignored the last remark. "I'm feeling rather tired," he lied. "Would you mind coming back another day?" In all honesty he just wanted to be left alone, alone to wallow in the fact that even though Harry and the Weaselette were over it still didn't make the ache of his heart lessen.

"Of course." Pansy stood up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Next time I'll bring you those dark chocolate truffles you love so much." Draco smiled gratefully at the woman and she smiled back before leaving.

 

* * *

 

 His mother had spent the rest of the morning and afternoon with him until Draco convinced her to leave so that she could go home to rest and eat. They would talk more the following day about what he would do after he left St. Mungo's.

He knew Harry was bound to show up after the spectacle put on the day before, but he still wasn't prepared for it. It was shortly after dinner when there was a rap on the door and Draco looked up to see Harry standing there. The other man looked like shit, his hair even more unruly than usual and he had purple circles under his glasses-free eyes.

"Hi," Harry said, still standing in the doorway. "Can I come in?"

Draco had half a mind to refuse, but he couldn't so he only nodded and Harry entered, shuffling his feet as he stood before sitting in the chair by Draco's bed that his mother often frequented.

Harry sighed heavily as he leaned on his knees, his gaze flitting to Draco before back to the ground.

"I don't even know where to start. I'm sorry, Draco." At this Harry looked up, his green eyes looking into Draco's gray. "I left you and I never should have. I didn't even give you a reason why and I never thought of the repercussions." Harry looked at the surrounding room briefly before turning back to the blonde. "When Hermione apparated over and told me what happened, God, I was so worried."

Draco didn't want to interrupt, but the damned man still didn't answer the question that had been eating away at him for months.

"Why?" he abruptly asked. Harry looked at him and appeared confused. "You never said why you left me."

Harry's face flushed and he looked away momentarily before turning back to Draco. "It was stupid. _I_ was stupid. I had lunch with the Weasleys that day. I didn't tell you because, well, we always seemed to argue about them and I didn't want to have an argument."

Draco bit his tongue to keep a scathing remark at bay. He'd rather have an argument over the damn Weasleys than Harry just leaving him for one.

"You know they never accepted…us." Draco knew that Harry was just being nice and what he really meant to say was him, Draco. "They told me that if they ever wanted me to be considered their family then I couldn't be with you. That they, as my family, would never accept you. I – I panicked. They were the first family that I ever truly had and for them to make me choose…"

Draco had always heard that it was always better to hear the truth, but sometimes he wished that wasn't true. The truth stung. It was bitter, cold, and it hurt more than Draco thought it would. To know that Harry chose the Weasleys over him was like finding out Harry and Weaselette were engaged all over again, even if that hadn't been true.

Draco looked down at his sheets, trying to hide the tears that filled his eyes and threatened to fall.

"And then when I left you they were all happy, but something was still off and it was then that I realized they wanted me to be with Ginny. I thought I would give it a try after a few weeks had passed and they still were somewhat cold towards me. As soon as we started dating I knew it was wrong, that I made the wrong decision, but I knew you hated me. You had to and I felt trapped. I don't know what I was thinking. I didn't want to lose the Weasleys as a family, but I ended up losing you instead."

Harry moved to the edge of the chair and placed his hand on Draco's bed. He clenched his hand and gripped the sheets before unclenching it.

"I realized you were more important, Draco. That if the Weasleys ever were my family then they wouldn't have asked me to leave you in the first place, that they would have accepted you. Hermione told me all along that it was wrong and she and Ron got in a right fit over it. Even broke up."

Draco finally looked up, knowing that the tears were still there, but now he wanted Harry to see the pain that he had put him through.

"Did you ever love me? Or was this all some fling?"

"God, Draco, no. Of course I loved you! I still do. I know I've hurt you too much and I understand if you never want to see me again. What I did to you was wrong and if you hate me forever, I'll understand."

He didn't mention that there was no way that he could hate Harry. He wanted to, he had wanted to so bad, but he knew he would always love the other man.

Harry leaned back slightly, but was still sitting on the edge of his chair. He ran his hand through his hair, before dropping it in his lap.

"You had been doing so well that I never even thought about you relapsing after I left. When Hermione told me…I feel so guilty. I know it's my fault that you – that you…"

"Tried to kill myself?" Draco said bitterly. He knew Harry would feel guilty and he did nothing to reassure the other man even though he wanted to. But the fact was that if Harry had never left he would never have relapsed.

The dark haired man refused to look up at him as he spoke. "You had worked so hard and I ruined it."

They fell into silence, Draco grateful that Harry didn't ask any sort of question along the lines of asking for forgiveness. He wanted to forgive Harry, but the events of the past few months were still too painful.

"I'm going back to rehab," he told him abruptly. He knew that if he wanted to get better, that if he ever did want to forgive Harry then he needed to go back. "I'll have to do therapy sessions with a psychologist too, for my...mental state." Draco knew that Harry would understand that he meant his suicide attempt and the other man finally looked back up at Draco.

"I'm glad you're getting help. When do you think you'll go back?"

Draco shrugged. "Within the next few days I suppose."

Harry nodded and they fell into an awkward silence until the dark haired man stood up. "I just wanted to explain. I'll understand if you won't forgive me."

Draco looked away briefly before looking up at Harry. "I – I can't forgive you now, Harry. You hurt me too much. Look where it got me."

A pained look passed over Harry's face and he gave a sharp nod.

"Thanks for at least listening. I guess – I guess I'll be going now." Draco nodded back and Harry stood there for a moment longer, as if hoping Draco say something more, but Draco didn't and he turned and left, shutting the door quietly behind him.

For the first time in months since Harry left he cried.

* * *

 

Draco began rehab again two days later and twice a week he went to a psychologist, who had diagnosed him with depression and prescribed a daily medication. He had hoped to never be here again, but as he quickly came to realize earlier in life, you can't always get what you want. Early on in his stay he received a letter from Harry, much of it reiterating what he told Draco at St. Mungo's if a little more eloquently. He also told Draco that he found out it was Ron who had sent Draco the _Daily Prophet_ and Harry was no longer speaking to any of the Weasleys. He feared that his friendship and relationship with the Weasleys was irrevocably broken, but he had no desire to fix it. They had interfered and caused what Harry deemed his greatest loss ever – Draco.

The words abated the ache in his heart slightly, but at the moment they were just words. It would take more than a letter from Harry for Draco to forgive him. Nevertheless, Draco replied, saying that, although he understood how Harry believed the Weasley's to be his family, Draco thought that they loved one another and they were more important to each other than Harry's adoptive family, considering each other family. He even hinted that he once hoped they would have bonded.

The very next day he had another letter from Harry who apologized profusely once more and said he would never forgive himself for what he put Draco through. Draco told the other man that maybe one day he would forgive him for what he did.

The letters continued and Draco even gave in to his sick need to know if Harry had slept with Ginny and in one letter he asked. Harry vehemently wrote back no and the only thing he had done with Ginny was kiss her. He felt relieved and the stone that seemed to have permanently settled in his stomach had vanished with the news.

Eventually the letters turned away from apologies and to normal every day talk, although Draco felt that there was still a barrier between them and he wasn't sure if it would ever go away.

When the day for his 'graduation' came there was no Harry this time, although Pansy was there. The feeling that he had last time at graduation, the happiness and tranquility, weren't there. Perhaps it was his depression or the fact that Harry wasn't there or maybe even a combination of the two, but Draco had no desire to celebrate afterwards. His mother insisted that they go out to one of those posh places for tea and cakes, but Draco refused.

"But Pansy and I made a reservation, darling!"

"I'm just not feeling up to it, mother. I think I'll just go back to the Manor."

This was another change that took more than half of his stay in rehab to accept. His psychologist and the doctors at the rehab insisted Draco to not move back into his flat and to move back to the Manor. He had put up quite the fight at first, but relented later on, albeit not happily. He knew his mother would have house elves watch him like a hawk, although maybe the company would be good, even if it was his mother.

"Well," said Narcissa, smoothing Draco's shirt as if he was a young boy. He pushed her hand away, but smiled at her. "Alright, dear. I'll bring you back some of those cakes you love, the chocolate raspberry ones. Ask Bippy to make you some tea."

"Yes, mother." He leaned forward and kissed her cheek before turning to Pansy and embracing her. "Thanks for coming."

"Of course. I wouldn't miss it for the world." He kissed her cheek too before waving the two women off and with a sigh he apparated to the Manor.

* * *

 

 As soon as Draco apparated into the foyer of the Manor, Bippy, one of the house elves, was standing there. Draco gave a start and silently cursed.

"Master be shown to the sitting room, yes?" Draco nodded and followed the elf to the sitting room where he normally had tea with his mother.

Upon entering he felt a breeze cool his skin and noticed that the French doors to a small balcony were open, but what caught Draco's attention was Harry standing there, his back to the door and his hands in his pockets. The other man was dressed nicely, in black trousers, and a light blue shirt and when he heard Draco and Bippy enter he turned, flashing Draco a smile.

"Harry," Draco said, somewhat breathily. "I – How did you get in?"

Harry smiled in that bashful way of his and gave a shrug. "I showed up at the front door and your house elf let me in."

He briefly thought he would have to talk to his mother about letting the house elves let just anyone in, although Harry wasn't _just_ anyone.

"What are you doing here?" In any other situation Draco would have found himself sounding rude, but he truly did not understand why Harry was there at the Manor.

The dark haired man crossed the room so he was standing in front of Draco.

"I wanted to see you. Hermione told me you got out of rehab today."

"Pansy," muttered Draco and Harry chuckled.

"I imagine so." His demeanor suddenly changed and the smile was gone and replaced with a serious expression. "Draco, I know we've been writing back and forth since you went back and you never mentioned wanting to see me again, but I had to see you."

Draco wasn't sure exactly what to say so he called Bippy and asked for tea before leading Harry to two sitting chairs where a small table was placed in between them.

"I want to make things right," Harry told him as Draco prepared himself a cup of tea with a dash of milk and sugar.

"Harry," he began, settling into his chair and cupping his tea in his hands, taking comfort in the warmth emanating from it. "You betrayed me. You chose the Weasleys over me and I thought I was more important than them. I should have been! I loved you and Merline knows why I still do. I still can't forgive you for what you did and I won't forget it, ever, no matter what." Harry slumped forward, both of their teas forgotten, and he looked away from Draco. "But if you still want to see me, I'll allow it. Like before, where we met up for coffee, dinner, went to quidditch games, that sort of thing. You have to prove to me that you want to be with me, that I really am more important than the Weasleys like you wrote in your letters."

Harry set his tea down and placed his hand on top of Draco's, which was still holding his tea.

"I still love you, Draco. I never stopped, not once. I promise to show you this and that you _are_ more important than anyone else in the world."

Draco felt his cheeks heat up and he looked away from Harry's gaze.

"Alright," Draco said quietly. "Would you like to go out for dinner tomorrow?"

Harry grinned and pulled away, reaching for his tea. "Yes. How about that Italian place you like in Kensington?"

Draco nodded and bit the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling. He felt the happiest he had been in a long time.

 

* * *

 

Dinner had gone well and they had made plans to see each other the following weekend at the café they had frequented all those years ago after the first time Draco left rehab. When he told his mother about dinner and the upcoming day they had planned her face had darkened and her eyes narrowed slightly.

"I won't let him hurt you again, Draco," she told him. Draco approached his mother and laid his hand on her arm.

"I know, mother. Thank you."

After that neither said anymore on the subject of Harry, although when Draco told Pansy she was much more vocal.

"You're seeing him again?" she yelled.

"Shh! Keep it down. My mother is here you know," he snapped as they sat, or rather Draco sat and Pansy stood looming over him with her hands on her hips. She rolled her eyes.

"You live in a Manor, Draco. It's huge so I highly doubt she can hear me. You two don't even live in the same wings."

Draco ignored this fact. "And we aren't 'seeing each other' which I know you are implying that we are dating. This is not the case. We're just doing things like dinner, coffee, that sort of thing."

Pansy sighed and collapsed in the chair next to his in a very un-lady like manner, glaring at him.

"If he hurts you, I'll kill him."

"My fierce protector," he said with a smirk. She rolled her eyes again, but smiled this time.

* * *

 

"You never told me the reason behind Granger leaving Weasley," Draco mentioned one day nearly a month after he left rehab as he and Harry walked through a park. The green-eyed man motioned towards a bench and they sat down, Draco pulling his light jacket closer to his body as a cool gust of wind passed through.

"I know you thought Hermione never liked you either, but she never had a problem with us. It was more Ron who wouldn't let her get to know you better. When I told her I left you she was furious with me, especially when I told her why. She refused to speak to me for weeks and she moved out of Ron's place and back in with her parents. From there things just got worse for the two. Ron demanded she come back and, well, you know how Hermione is. Nobody demands things from her." Draco was surprised that Granger had stuck up for him, although it didn't explain why she never told him why Harry left him when Draco had confronted her.

"I went to her," Draco interrupted, turning his head to glance at Harry. "It was maybe a week and a half after you left. I just wanted to know why and she refused to tell me."

Harry ran his hand through his hair, his signature gesture that showed he was nervous. "She told me repeatedly to go back and at least explain myself. I didn't know you came to her, but I imagine she wanted me to tell you and knowing Hermione, she was more aware of the fact that you could relapse. She was probably trying to protect you too."

Draco's respect for the former Gryffindor woman soared, knowing that what Harry said was probably true. He may not know Granger very well, be he knew her well enough.

"Have you talked to the Weasleys?" he asked, changing the subject.

Harry firmly shook his head. "No, of course not. I told you I wasn't going to. They've tried to contact me, but I've been getting fewer letters so I think they're finally getting the message."

Draco gave a slight nod. "I see." He was happy that Harry had stuck to what he said and Draco felt that maybe, just maybe, he was ready to forgive the other man.

 

* * *

 

It was two months later and the two had just finished seeing the symphony play. They were strolling along the deserted streets when Draco stopped and turned towards Harry.

"What are you doing, Harry? I mean, what do you want with me?"

Harry stopped and looked at Draco, moving a step closer towards him. Draco's breath caught at the close proximity, but he didn't step away.

"I'm waiting for your forgiveness. I'll wait forever if I have to, Draco."

"And if I – if I decide to forgive you, then what?" he half-whispered.

"Then if you wanted to, I was hoping we could work things out. Be an us again."

Draco looked away, his heart thrumming in his chest. He knew what he wanted to say, but was he really ready to forgive Harry? It had been nearly nine months since Harry had left and six months since Harry had last spoken to any of the Weasleys. He had never overstepped his boundaries by pushing Draco to get back together; in fact not once did he mention it, but he knew Harry too well.

He took a deep breath and let his hand brush against Harry's lightly.

"I forgive you. Just – don't leave me again."

Harry grabbed Draco's hand in his and pulled the slightly shorter blonde towards him, embracing him tightly and kissing the top of Draco's platinum hair.

"Never again," he whispered.

Draco closed his eyes, reveling in the feel of Harry's arms around him, the woodsy smell of the other man, and the fact that he was where he belonged, where he always belonged. With Harry.

 

**EPILOGUE**

"You look handsome."

Draco adjusted his light blue tie as he looked at himself in the mirror. He smoothed down his hair before turning around and giving the man his patent Malfoy glare.

"You aren't supposed to be here," he stated, arching an eyebrow and crossing his arms over his chest.

Harry grinned, his own ivory tie slightly crooked. Draco rolled his eyes and moved forward to fix it.

"Isn't the groom not supposed to see his bride before the ceremony? I don't see any brides here."

Draco resisted rolling his eyes again and pulled Harry closer instead.

"Good thing too," he murmured before kissing his soon-to-be husband on the lips. Pulling back he asked, "How on earth did you escape Granger anyway? And where is Pansy? I thought they were both standing guard, making sure neither of us would see each other."

Harry smirked in a way that was too Slytherin for the former Gryffindor.

"Well," Harry began, running his hands up and down Draco's sides, causing the blonde to shiver and move closer into his fiancé's body. "I told Hermione that the bonding minister hadn't arrived yet and I told Pansy that the cake wasn't here. Both went off in a frenzy so it should give us a few minutes to ourselves."

Draco wrapped his arms around Harry's waist and leaned his head on the firm chest.

"How very Slytherin of you. Both are here though, right?"

Draco leaned back while Harry threw his head back and laughed. "Of course! Last I saw your mother was talking to the minister and I placed a notice-me-not spell on the cake."

Draco opened his mouth to comment, but Pansy burst through the door.

"Draco! The cake – Potter!" She growled out Harry's name, her hands firmly placed on her hips as she glared the other man down. "You cheeky bastard! You purposely told me that the cake wasn't here just so you could sneak in and see Draco! And I saw Hermione who told me the minister wasn't here yet. Just wait until she finds out! Now out!"

Harry grinned and pecked Draco on the lips, quickly escaping out of the room to avoid anymore of Pansy's wrath.

"And you!" she said, turning on Draco, a long finger with a painted nail pointed at him. "You're not supposed to see him beforehand!"

Draco merely smiled and Pansy approached him, her face softening as she hugged her best friend.

"I'm happy for you," she whispered.

Draco hugged her back. "Thanks for being there for me."

She stepped away, wiping her eye. "Now let's get you out there so you can marry your man."

* * *

 

Harry's dancing had definitely improved over the years and now he and Draco moved gracefully as they danced on the outdoor dance floor, the smell of orchids wafting about them.

The wedding itself had been small, only their closest friends were invited. His mother, Pansy, and Hermione were there of course, along with Blaise Zabini who Draco had recently reconnected with since the other man moved back to Britain. Surprisingly, to Draco at least, he got along quite well with Neville Longbottom who was currently dating Luna Lovegood and they too came.

After Harry left Draco, he never thought he would ever see Harry again, let alone date and now be married to the man.

Speaking of said man, his husband leaned down and whispered in his ear. "What are you thinking about?"

"You. How happy I am." Harry squeezed the hand that he was holding and pulled Draco in tighter.

"So am I. Now you're stuck with me forever."

Draco smiled and looked up at Harry, seeing the joy he felt reflected on Harry's face. It had taken them a long time to get to this place, so many ups and downs, and dark places that Draco never thought he would have to go to. But in the end, to have Harry standing here next to him as his husband, he would do it all over again.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

And he wouldn't.


End file.
